I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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