Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
