yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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