I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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