A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
