dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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