shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
