hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
