when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
