She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
