i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
