I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
