Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
