if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
