Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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