I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
