I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
