can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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