I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
