I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
