i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need a beard to bite.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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