My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
