I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
