I'm gonna have a badass scar
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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