she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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