yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
