Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
