I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
