I didn't shave. On purpose
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
