I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
