It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
