I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
