Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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