Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
