its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
