apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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