I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
