I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
