Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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