but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
