Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
