Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just made out with a guy for $7.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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