Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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