I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it glows. i had to have it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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