Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
