Are we in a gay sports bar?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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