I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
