i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
