I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
