the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
