bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
