Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
