I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
